some things i've been doing instead of writing
a list with no particular order or any particular meaning
this is a bit of a random newsletter, more than anything to lower expectations for myself, and i guess for you. my “nervous breakdown” has gone on for too long. sorry if it’s not what you subscribed for, you don’t get your non-existent money back!
putting my phone down, thinking “ok, it’s time to work!” and picking my phone up within five minutes, rinse and repeat
buying frames for posters because for some reason that feels like an “adult” move whereas the college aesthetic is command strip hung, frameless posters… but then it makes me question why i am so desperate to separate myself from that aesthetic / what shame is there in not having frames? anyways i did buy frames. they’re always more expensive than i expect
worrying that people i do not know well are reading this newsletter and developing weird parasocial relationships
contemplating bleaching my hair blonde, deciding it’s too much effort and money, telling my friends who inevitably encourage me to make the rash decision, then still not doing it
reading the output of numerous other amazing newsletters, never reaching an empty inbox because i am subscribed to an excessive number of substacks but cannot bear to unsubscribe because i’ve become parasocially attached to several of the writers
listening to taylor swift’s re-record of fearless, thinking about how as a fourth-grader i wondered when i would relate to songs like “you belong with me” and “fifteen” and now, as a 23-year-old, i’m still waiting lol
post-zoom call zoomies, where i put down my laptop on any nearby surface, then proceed to walk back and forth or in circles as though that will somehow cleanse me of zoom awkwardness or re-energize me
reorganizing whatever metaphorical container holds all my fears to be able to fit in the increased fear of my mom being the victim of a hate crime
reading the profiles of the victims of the atlanta shootings and crying uncontrollably
reading the profiles of the victims of other shootings and also crying uncontrollably
learning what the word “cheugy” (pronounced chew-gee) means
quietly celebrating my 23rd birthday, thinking about how i turned 22 under similar-ish circumstances last year but how i am also a wholly different person in many ways and have experienced both too little and too much in the intervening time
watching all three seasons of succession, hating all the characters, but still wanting to root for someone or seek some kind of redemption arc. i couldn’t stop thinking about how if i afforded this level of generosity to all the real people in my life i would be a better person, and how often this level of generosity is mostly granted to white dudes who do not learn their lessons
fostering a fraught relationship with my pothos plant, in which i can never tell if i am over- or under-watering
drinking too much homemade iced coffee
reflecting on how my friends who have been in relationships for a long time or for a lot of their adolescence/young adulthood probably have a different orientation towards friendships and self in some ways, and thinking about this quote i saw in an article about post-pandemic friendship: “What I kind of thought about people in relationships before the pandemic turned out to be true in the pandemic, which is that they have friends who are single a little bit for...entertainment, I guess?" said Kine, who is in her 40s and single. “We’re kind of like seasoning to them.”
not deleting screenshots from my phone so now my camera roll is complete chaos
reading too many speculative think pieces about what our social lives will look like now and being unable to settle upon any solid ground for myself regarding my anxieties, concerns, lessons, hopes, expectations, etc.
replying to people on twitter and then immediately getting nervous that my reply is annoying or will not land as intended, subsequently deleting the reply or waiting in suspense until the original tweeter replies to me
signing up for interesting zoom talks/seminars and then not going to them
starting google docs with titles and 4-6 bullet points for topics i would like to write longer form about for this newsletter, then abandoning them because i can’t find the focus or psyche myself out about the originality of thoughts
finding out that LaKeith Stanfield is pursuing a music career and immediately adding his single to my spotify playlist for april
feeling weird about feeling like the seasoning to other peoples’ lives
getting really invested in this woman’s really long (and ongoing) story about her ex that is told as voiceover while she cooks really nice looking food on tiktok
telling everyone i interact with about how i learned that when you get a kidney transplant they leave the diseased kidney in there
worrying that “post-pandemic” means in a lot of ways going back to a normal that was broken, inaccessible, and unjust
being haunted by the same ad for cow-print pants every time i open instagram, but refusing to buy them because i don’t want to be worn down by an algorithm